All my life people have been telling me to slow down, take it easy, stop pushing myself, or my favorite: stop trying to be something I’m not. Granted, it’s been a while since anybody said that last part, but you get the picture. I’m considered a workaholic. Which is odd, considering I’ve never really felt like I’ve lived up to my potential. Whatever that is.
In my mind, I’ve not pushed myself far enough. I’ve made it to the edge a handful of times, but I’ve never taken the leap. I’ve been on this spinning ball almost six decades and, really, what do I have to show for it? A few published stories that few have read, a handful of movies that even fewer have seen, some glittery memories that are fading into gauzy blurs. The detritus of a life lived well, if not exceptionally.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have no real complaints – I’ve accomplished more in my time than most dreamers ever will. I’ve said this before and it’s more true now than it has ever been. Even so, the brass ring has always avoided me. I’ve been okay with that, for the most part. I value my privacy and don’t have anybody telling me what I do or don’t need to do next. These are the tradeoffs.
Still, I wonder. Could I do more? Should I do more? There are still those around me who insist I take time to rest. Hard to do when one has become intimately aware of the ticking clock. I’ll rest when I’m dead. My latest PSA results are very promising and, though we’re not out of the woods yet, I’m feeling better every day. Almost up to my old speed. Almost…
But I can’t let almost stop me. I have ideas that won’t fit in the box, anymore. People I want to work with. New avenues to explore. I want to create something that not only I can be proud of, but that others can be proud of, too. I want to shake things up a bit. I want to live up to my potential. Whatever that is.
I know I’ll never be rich and famous. That was never part of my dream. Maybe that has been the problem all along. I just never allowed myself to strive for the impossible. Simply settled for the probable. It isn’t really settling, come to think on it – I’m very proud of my accomplishments, even if they didn’t make national headlines. One can achieve satisfaction without the admiration of millions.
Even so, I have to remind myself, from time to time, that I’m not doing any of this for anybody else. I’m doing it for me, and for the people with whom I collaborate. Because doing so makes me feel accomplished. And if, in the process, something I’ve created touches another human being, so much the better. Of course, it would help if other human beings were aware of those creations.
The next step, then, is to push myself to continue past the moment of completion. Giving birth to a project isn’t the stopping point. Getting that creation out in front of people, that’s what I need to concentrate on. I’ve spent the better part of my career marketing other people and their work. Maybe now’s the time to do a little for myself.
So, last week I registered two of my feature length scripts with the Writer’s Guild Of America. A big step for me – something I probably should have done a lot sooner. Maybe, if I had, I wouldn’t have had a stageplay stolen from me and passed off as the work of somebody else. Water under the bridge, but still a lesson worth remembering.
I’m also doubling my efforts to get Lady Belladonna’s Tales From The Inferno out there and to raise the profile of Borderlands Media and the films we represent on the world stage. None of this is impossible. I’ve been navigating the treacherous waters of social media, doing my research, studying trends. As Barbra Streisand said in Yentl, “Nothing is impossible!” Moving on…
I’ve updated my Flickr site, I’m writing a tandem story with one of my longtime writer friends and I’m officially moving forward with a film concept I’ve wanted to work on for years. The script is coming along and I have already begun talking to some of those people with whom I want to collaborate. Luckily for me, there is interest. Just have to figure out the logistics. Money is always a big issue.
So what, issues were meant to be overcome.