“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” ~ James Dean
Life is for living, not merely existing. Having extra time has never been as important to me as making the best of the time I do have. Enjoying the moment, being present and focusing on what is right in front of me – those are the things I live for. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion, but once I did, I embraced it with every ounce of energy I could muster. I haven’t been disappointed yet.
So it is that, when given the choice of extending my years on this planet, by undergoing more painful and intrusive procedures – which may or may not prove successful in that goal – or discontinuing them completely and enjoying the few years I have left, I choose the latter. Convincing my loved ones that this is the best course of action for me has been difficult, but they’re coming around. My conviction speaks volumes. For me, it has always been quality over quantity.
Over the past year, I have given it my best shot. Against my better instincts, I underwent a year of intensive procedures, which depleted my energy, interrupted my sleep cycles, played havoc with my internal organs, clouded my mind and put me in a funk so deep, I almost didn’t recognize myself. And now I’m told I need more. Another year of hormone suppression. More tests to find out why my numbers are still elevated. More visits to the Mayo Clinic. Another year of playing the victim.
My answer is no. I’m done. I tried it their way and it didn’t work. I’m going back to enjoying my life, thank you. Making the best goddamned lemonade ever wrung from a basketful of hopelessness. Who knows, I may surprise the shamans in the citadel. My lust for life has been known to overcome the worst that life has had to offer me. I don’t see this as any different. Tomorrow is another day and I plan on being there to enjoy it. But first, I’ve got to explore all that today provides. For good or ill, it will be what it will be and the fact that I get to be here to experience it is the best gift any man could ever hope for.
Because, I choose life. Not more life, but an enriched life. A life of observation and passion, of creation and wonderment, a life without boundaries, a life worth living. I’m not afraid of what may come. We are finite beings and the end comes for us all. Why dwell on it? It’s all part of the experience. I plan on making the best of it.
For me, it’s all about livin’ the dream, baby. Livin’ the dookie flingin’ dream!