Picking up vampires is an art form and learning to do it successfully takes practice. Here are a few hot tips to empower you and make you more effective, courtesy of Vampire Hunter Franklin W. Fuggitt. Sometimes knowing what NOT TO DO or NOT TO SAY when picking up a vampire is even more important than knowing what you should be doing or saying to get the results you desire.
According to Mr. Fuggitt, “The most important thing to remember is that you have approximately Three Minutes to make a positive impression on a vampire when you first meet her. Picking her up successfully depends on what you do and say during those first few minutes. Say or do the wrong thing and you’re more likely to end up being dinner for the toothsome lass than you are getting to first base.” These tips will tell you what mistakes to avoid. Heed them well, for they could mean the difference between life and death:
Conquer all your fears before setting out on your mission. Vampires can read human minds and will know if you lack self-confidence and self-esteem – aphrodisiacs for any vampire, but bad news for you if you want to see daylight again.
Don’t make eye contact with a vampire when you’re talking to her. Doing so will only allow her to cloud your mind and then you might as well be wearing a sign that says “I’m easy, bite me.” Instead stare at a vampire’s breasts while talking to her. As a normal, red-blooded man, you’ll probably have trouble doing this due to social conditioning, especially if she is wearing a plunging black leather bodysuit from Vampirella’s Secret. Just keep in mind that Vampire’s, unlike human females, love to have their breasts ogled.
Don’t give her a limp fish handshake. In fact, don’t try to touch her at all. Vampire’s are, above all else, supernaturally strong predators who can reduce your bones to powder without even wincing. Best to wait and see whether you’re victor or victim first. She’ll let you know when it’s safe to wrap your mitts around those glorious globes.
Don’t have any fresh wounds or scabs. That’s asking for trouble, because even if she can’t see them, she can smell them and then she’ll be all over you like a shark on a shipwrecked sailor.
Don’t wear a crucifix or any other form of religious jewelry, unless you want to run the risk of really offending her. The same goes for strings of garlic, vials of holy water or any Saint’s dried up body parts.
Pointed sticks are also a definite no-no.
Don’t talk about her fangs when you first meet her. This is a good thing to talk about later, as a prelude to getting her into bed, when you want to let her know that you are open-minded, but that you don’t want to be seen as merely an appetizer.
Don’t criticize her or call attention to her stilted speech patterns and cold, dead flesh. Point out her strong points, like her flawless preternatural beauty and diamond-hard nipples. Build her up. Make her feel good about herself.
Don’t brag and don’t talk about yourself too much. Don’t let her know all about your achievements and how great and successful you are. Not only will she not care, but you’ll be running the risk of making yourself a target some night when the pickings are slim. Let her know as little about you as possible. Finally, never, ever, mention friends or family members unless you want to be reading their obituaries some bright and sunny morning.
Never call a vampire “baby” or “babe.” She’s probably got a good 300 years on you and won’t take kindly to being reminded of the fact that her “innocent” years are way, way behind her.
Don’t swear, curse or invoke the name of any powerful Hebrew deities unless things really start going badly. You’ll know it’s safe to use such language if she starts licking her lips and her eyes begin to glow in an unnatural and unhealthy way.
Don’t spend a lot of money on a vampire. The undead don’t eat, don’t drink and don’t care about trinkets. If you really want to impress her, simply state the obvious. Come on strong and fast with as much sexual aggressiveness as you can muster. She only has a few waking hours to get her business done and will undoubtedly want to ‘put out’ as soon as possible.
Drink a lot, but not so much that you lose control of yourself. Vampires detest the taste of alcohol-rich blood. It also shows her that you’re not completely stupid and implies that all you’re interested in is getting her into bed without forfeiting your lifeblood.
Don’t try and trick her into giving you her phone number. Vampires don’t tend to use phones, choosing to pay personal visits whenever possible. If you’re really as good as you think you are and survive your first encounter with your vampire, she’ll no doubt seek you out. Oh, and she’ll find you, too. Vampires are not easily dissuaded when they’re on either a blood scent or a quick roll in the sack.
And finally, don’t ever use any of the following pick-up lines:
What’s an undead girl like you doing in a mausoleum like this?
Do you hunt here often?
Care for a bite?
I’m new in town, could you give me directions to your coffin?
My neck is leaving in ten minutes, be on it.
Wanna suck me?
To learn even more about picking up and seducing vampires, take a close look at Franklin W. Fuggitt’s book, How To Pick Up Vampires And Live To Tell The Tale! A Handbook For Men With A Death Wish.
First published in Playtime Magazine, October 1997. All Rights Reserved