Gall Of The Wild

So, apparently it’s animals that hate us. The Ebola virus is transmitted by wild animals, the Hendra virus is transmitted by horses, the Lassa virus comes from rats, MRSA is transmitted via our pets, SARS is spread by civet cats – honestly I had no idea such an animal existed until that outbreak – the Nipah virus was originally transmitted by pigs until other animals got in on the act, the Avian Flu is a no-brainer, and let’s not forget the chimpanzees for their contribution of HIV/AIDS.

But wait, it gets better! Now it appears that COVID-19 – the virus that causes ordinarily sane people to lose their minds and force them to purchase and hoard every roll of toilet paper they can get their hands on – originated in Chinese bats. According to the Oxford Academic, “The new coronavirus was first isolated from stallholders who worked at the South China Seafood Market in Wuhan. This market also sells wild animals or mammals, which were likely intermediate hosts of 2019-nCoV, which originated from bat hosts.”* DUN Dun duuuuuuunnnn!!!

Is it just me, or is this starting to look like some kind of conspiracy by the animal kingdom? It’s not like we don’t deserve it, but maybe we should be looking into this phenomenon! I’ve always thought it kind of weird that people trap animals in their homes and force them into some kind of bizarre symbiotic relationship. I’ve had pets in the past, but this feeling of unease at bringing them into my domicile and forcing them to worship me began to eat at what’s left of my soul. It just felt… wrong, somehow.

Now, I wonder if perhaps I misread the situation. Are we in fact enslaving the animal kingdom, or is the animal kingdom enslaving us? Think about it. There are more pet owners per capita in this country than not. Maybe they’ve been infiltrating us all along. Sending in operatives to learn what our weaknesses are. Once they know, they use their sonic network to spread the news. Horses, rats, pigs, monkeys, birds and more, those are the hit squads!

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if octopi and squids aren’t the scientists behind this diabolical plot. Think about it. They don’t look like anything else on this planet. Maybe they really are aliens, with secret labs locked away at the bottom of the ocean, where we would never think to look for them. There they concoct the various viruses, for distribution by their allies in the animal kingdom, which are then used to infect and destroy as many humans as possible.

Hey, it’s as plausible a line of thinking as anything that’s coming out of Washington, right now. Media coverage of this pandemic is like watching a cheesy science fiction melodrama. Footage of people wearing masks, empty shelves in grocery stores and empty streets in major cities across the globe are trotted out by concerned-but-vapid talking heads. Scientists are freaking out, but the President offers only platitudes. All that’s missing from this dog and pony show is the zombies.

I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking it. If my theory was anywhere near correct, Trump would have blurted it out on his Twit feed by now. He would be diverting billions of dollars towards a fool’s mission to destroy all animals – pets and otherwise – living in the gawd-fearin’ land of ‘Murica. Cue the zombie animals and a discordantly intense soundtrack from the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. As karma would have it, the animals get the last laugh. Cut. That’s a wrap.

Okay, so I’m no Rod Serling. Whatever… look what I had to work with. Fevered ramblings of a continuously perplexed mind force fed absurdities in lieu of logic. Also, maybe all that “self-isolating” I did for the past several months wasn’t such a great idea. Narf.

*Origin and Evolution of the 2019 Novel Coronavirus, written by Liangsheng Zhang, Fu-ming Shen, Fei Chen and Zhenguo Lin.

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